Beer

electrolytic · 05-18-2007, 11:47 PM

Quit bogarting all the beer Viking, i'll have one if they are chilled.

electrolytic · 05-18-2007, 11:55 PM

Scenario:

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a valley and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

Question:

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer:

Get off the children's "Merry-Go-Round", you’ve had too much beer.

electrolytic · 05-19-2007, 12:01 AM

The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is,they all run out except this one man. So the devil walks up to him and says" Do you know who I am?" and the man sips his beer and answers "yep". The Devil says "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" The man looks over and says" I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you."

electrolytic · 05-19-2007, 12:03 AM

ODE TO BEER

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
--Brian O'Rourke

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

Without question the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you the wheel was also a fine invention, but a wheel does not go as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

Candy is dandy but, liquor is quicker.
--Ogden Nash

He was a wise man who invented beer.
--Plato

Work is the curse of the drinking class.
--Oscar Wilde

Beer is proof that G-d loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.
--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry

I drink to make other people interesting.
--George Jean Nathan

They who drink beer will think beer.
--Washington Irving

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--W.C. Fields

borrowed from herehttp://www.unwind.com/jokes-funnies/...detobeer.shtml

Throttletune · 05-19-2007, 12:29 AM

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

"In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

"In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

-Cliff Claven